i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
