If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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