why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize