i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
