If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Still dying that you shit outside
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
