U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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