I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
