hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
