Umm I'm too high to move.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
