My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
