just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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