onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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