$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
