Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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