She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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