not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
