I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I wish I only lived at night.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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