Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
