I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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