No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
