yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's JV to your varsity
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
