I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
