so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
