I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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