I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
