I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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