someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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