I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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