I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no you cant smoke seaweed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My ATM looks so different sober.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
