Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
