I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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