So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
