if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
