I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
