Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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