My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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