Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
