how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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