i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
there's paper in my vomit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
