can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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