I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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