look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
