I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
