my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
People in love make me want to vomit
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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