He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
