its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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