her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
