You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
