My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
