Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it hurts more in the daytime
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
