hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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