it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
