I want to make a zoo with you.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
