So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
