as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
