I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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