Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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